(Can we all agree that “up-leveling” is just a fancy term for trying something new? Okay, cool.)
I’m a summer kid at heart because I have a summer birthday, so the season – even with its blistering, sweaty heat – has always been my favorite. But here we are, watching the skies darken a littler earlier each night. I’m spending the last days of August determinedly turning my attention to the cricket song, the cooler earth, and the coming pear harvest.
And work, of course! This Autumn actually represents a HUGE turn-of-the-page for me. Students have commented for years that I should be sharing more of my guided meditations with the public and it feels like the time is right. Or at least that I should stop stalling. I set the official public date of my Patreon page for this Monday, August 22nd, the start of Virgo season.
Like Virgo, the sign of the virgin, putting this out into the world feels nascent and vulnerable. I’m working really hard to manage my expectations around it. In fact, can I get real (well, realer than usual) with you for a sec?
Have you ever done something, big or small, that you’re really proud of but when people don’t react to it the way you’d hoped you begin to see your creation as trash? This was damn near a way of life for me; I was always chasing other people’s validation as proof that I was worthy of taking up space on this planet. I mean, I went to theater school for Christ’s sake – because nothing says “seal of approval from humanity” like applause from strangers.
But this way of life was not feeding me (and acting is such a ruthlessly judgemental industry that I couldn’t continue.) Anytime someone re-routes their worth or value through the fleeting opinions of others life becomes unsustainable – because it isn’t safe. How can anyone feel safe or settled in their body or heart when their value can be snatched away at any moment because another person loses interest or rejects them? How can anyone feel proud of themselves or their creations if the pride we take in our work is other people’s pride?
And that was me. I ended up living outside my body, outside my heart for decades, playing a role I thought would be most pleasing to others. I traded theater school for a theater life — and did it all subsconsciously! I had no idea that’s what was happening because living outside myself lowered my capacity to be self-aware.
Even in my early days as a practitioner — hell, even NOW — I’m still unlearning the default patterning of filtering my worth through the eyes of others. And that’s why this Patreon launch feels like a culmination of sorts.
I can’t control how people will receive it. I have no control over how many people will pass it by, ignore it, shrug it off, think it’s dumb, think I’m dumb, subscribe then unsubscribe, or get annoyed at my audacity to be both a quiet, meditative guide and a giant goof. (More on this soon.)
Buy I’m doing it anyway. In fact, andI can’t believe I’m being this honest with myself about this for the first time as I sit here at 11:45 at night typing this to you, part of the goal is to just…. put it out there and be okay if it flops. To actually give myself a real-world opportunity to know my worth as a creator outside of views, patron numbers, metrics or analytics. To be proud of myself even if no one else is.
Believe me, this process has been HARD and it’s nowhere near over. And probably a huge reason why it’s taken me 4 years to actually get here. I can cheerlead my clients and students all day long without feeling danger, but to cheerlead myself unconditionally is cracking me wide open.
So thank you for listening. Thank you for being along for the ride, however bumpy it may be. Thank you for being a trustworthy enough person that I can let my words flow, even when they don’t paint me in the best light. Getting here, to a place of comfort and liking myself, has been A Whole Ass Thing.
Ultimately I’m excited to share this new Patreon offering with you, because in addition to the monthly meditation videos I’ll be sharing private content that goes a little deeper than I can go publicly. And we’ll see how things go on the 22nd!